To hell and back

I didn't want to post but i think i just need to get it off my chest.

I really don't know what has happened to my brain.

I lost the plot?

Tears tears and more tears.

Ara must have such a big cup to fill and I'm just not able to fill it...or she so active it all sloshes over the sides. I totaly love my daughter but we a finding a new level of parenting at the moment.

I am/was a traditional disciplinarian. I felt that a badly behaving child gets punished. The child gets a warning in a threatening tone, and then if the behavior continues the child gets picked up a quick swat on the behind and put in the room. There is often lots of screaming going on but is just life isn’t it?

So let me try and use what I call a scientific approach mixed with some psychology and see what the out come is.

Step 1 – Child miss behaves

Step 2 – Warning from parent

Step 3 – Child continues….wait an minute hold the anger…

I now understand a lot of my issues come from childhood and cultural ideas...I don't want to pass on to my kids.

So i've been reading.

At the right time too...just before Ara starts to really need me.

I've really been stepping back and looking at the bigger picture...ok some times a bit late but I'm getting there. I've never smacked Ara and never intend too. I've also stared on reading Everyday Blessings to take out a lot of other things too.

Shame

Manipulation

Yelling...tone of voice

Put down's.

Its hard but I'm really seeing a change already at my lowest point of depression...I'm feeling better faster... Ara is responding.

Poor Dave has cop'd so much in my growing but he's so supportive. That crumpled mess on the floor was me...and while we both don't really know how to deal with emotions (was not aloud that irrational behavior in my childhood) I am learning to teach and let my children have their's.

I best go have a bit of me time....but this post needs a lot more work and exploration.

Fire Works

Waking me up...is NOT good

I've had an issue with getting woken up early hours of the evening. It seems I get my best sleep at that time. I don't have an issue with Hamish I just feed him...I don't really wake up.

BUT often Ara will come to bed - after I've gone to sleep - and WAKE ME UP...then I loose the plot totally...all my calm everything.

WHY?

Even if Dave wakes me up now I get really upset.

I don't know why as now with beginning to learn mediation I am able to get back to sleep most of the time. Unlike when Ara was little I would lay awake for hours...getting more and more angry.

I must need to calm more.

Maybe work on getting Ara calmer before getting into bed with me. I try to tell Dave that an early bed time is very important...but its often forgotten...oh well...a parents job is never dull...always changing and looking for more info.

Put that baby down

Goodness me there is so much information out there today parents just don't know what to follow.

Plunket has a firm stance that Babies need 20mins of tummy time a day to develop properly....and we should not carry our children too much other wise they will not walk.

I carried Ara a lot...she developed "on time"...and walks and runs like the rest of them.

I read a snipp of information (sorry forgotten the link) a baby will turn over when it's ready...so always put the baby down on its back rather than let it mush its face into the ground...an un-natural thing to do.

So I thought I would try this with Hamish...he rolled very early....so I don't have to "give" him tummy time he does it himself.

My issue is how do I slow my child down.

I'm scared. Ara called me into the room the other day saying that Hamish was standing. I was like yer right...he does this thing where he stands on his feet bum up in the air but hands on the ground.

No he was up and walking round the coffee table....and now he has a temper if he's not standing.

Its all happening too fast and I was wanting to enjoy the moment.

But as the saying goes he'll probably be developing later in another area

5 months

Wow we have made it to here.

What a GREAT ride so far.

I cant' believe how I feel. Its just been getting better and better everyday.

My current reading has been helping me, or getting me on to a path of healing. I feel over the past year or so of my blogging and reading on parenting styles and discovering for my self I finaly understand why I am they way I am.

But now...its the fixing stage.

All while being a parent

Jon Kabit Zinn's "Where ever you go there you are" has been a great start. Along with Everyday Blessings.

I'm really busy at the moment doing a lot of sewing and just being....but blogging is not far from my mind.

Hamish is crawling after Ara.

Ara is learning about having a baby.

I'm learning about life

Living moment by moment and getting so much more time.

I get so peeved

So many people think that just because I am an Attachment Parent and parent my children to sleep that;

a) my children don't sleep

b) my children do not have a Routine or Rhythm

Its one thing the adult parts of my family hate...my little ways my sticking to it

BUT

I belive i need to give my children time to sleep and cues to let them know its time to sleep.

AND yes while we do need to go see people and do things...I try not to do it every day

Wanting it now

"It's true. Ordinarily, when we undertake something, it is only natural to expect a desirable outcome for our efforts. We want to see results, even if it is only a pleasant feeling…….

You'll get caught up in wanting to have a "special experience" or in looking for signs of progress, and if you don't feel something special pretty quickly, you may start to doubt the path you have chosen, or to wonder whether you are "doing it right."……….. every state is a special state, every moment a special moment.

……….When we let go of wanting something else to happen in this moment, we are taking a profound step toward being able to encounter what is here now. If we hope to go anywhere or develop ourselves in any way, we can only step from where we are standing. If we don't really know where we are standing---a knowing that comes directly from the cultivation of mindfulness-we may only go in circles, for all our efforts and expectations. So, in meditation practice, the best way to get somewhere is to let go of trying to get anywhere at all."

"TRY: Reminding yourself from time to time: 'This is it." See if there is anything at all that it cannot be applied to. Remind yourself that acceptance of the present moment has nothing to do with resignation in the face of what is happening. It simply means a clear acknowledgment that what is happening is happening. Acceptance doesn't tell you what to do. What happens next, what you choose to do, that has to come out of your understanding of this moment. You might try acting out of a deep knowing of "This is it." Does it influence how you choose to proceed or respond? Is it possible for you to contemplate that in a very real way, this may actually be the best season, the best moment of your life? If that was so, what would it mean for you?"

Quote from the book

Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life

By Jon Kabat-Zinn

As a new parent we often fall into wanting to get back to our old lives, or questioning why can this baby not fit in to my schedule. Often we try so hard to get our children to do something often before they are developmentally ready and forget to enjoy the now. We are often unable to see that what we are doing is working - our kindness our love our own continuing education and thought of our children is really doing something … raising our children.

The more I learn about children their development, brain, behavior, our history the more I understand I do not know.